Fifty-four
Long distance relationships honestly feel so surreal. From that first meeting in Boston to seeing her leave this morning, it feels like she doesn't even exist.
Last night we were reminiscing on that first encounter in the Wilmington Sunrise Market, the place to purchase tickets. The whole day at play rehearsal I was hysterical. I was peeing every five minutes because apparently that's what I do when I'm nervous, although I tend to pee a lot anyway. I was so worried she wouldn't like me or perhaps I wouldn't like her or maybe she would be a forty-year old stalker. But she was perfect. She was huddled in a circle with her two friends near the magazine racks, just inside of the small convenience store and to the right. When we walked in I had no idea what to say. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen and I never dreamed that her small voice on the phone at night could translate into such a beautiful girl. I could hardly conjure any words to express how I was feeling, nor did I want to let her know that I felt another pee coming on. I smiled and said "Hello", and nearly sprinted across the store with my friend out of complete nervousness. We left the store and entered the nearby Dunkin' Donuts, one of five in Wilmington. We sat at a table while our friends sipped their coffees and I really just stared at her. She refused to look me in the eyes and I was worried she was feeling unsure of the situation. I reached into my bag and pulled out a blood orange, trying to relieve the situation of it's awkwardness. She laughed and at that moment I knew things would be just fine. I slipped my hand into hers as we walked down the street to the train station. We held hands throughout the thirty minute ride to Boston. At the aquarium I felt more and more nervous with every leg bump and finger touch that occurred. Finally, as we stood in front of the large, cylindrical tank in the center of the room, she took my hand and looked me into the eyes. She asked me how I was feeling. Of course I had never felt better. She asked me if I wanted to be with her, and without hesitation I said "Yes". That first kiss on the lips was one of the most emotional and perfect moments of my entire life. I felt the electricity of her thoughts flowing through her lips as they touched mine. The whole day was perfect and it was tragic to part at the end.
But the next day it just felt like a dream. I was all alone again and I could only hear her voice through a telephone that she spoke through, fifty-four miles away. Even today as she left I felt a strange sort of uneasiness creep about me. I love her more than anyone or anything in the whole world, but a long distance relationship is the most difficult thing you could ever imagine. Sure, it's only an hour's distance. Sure, I get to see her about twice a month. Twice a month. Do you know how little that is? Normal couples can barely stand going a few days without seeing each other. Twice a month means twenty-four times a year. How can that be enough time to kiss her and hold her and feel all of the emotions one shares with their love?
Fortunately, things are seemingly getting easier. Although the tears still fall after every departure, I'm coping with the realization that I can deal with this. I can live with only seeing her every so often. Because, in all honestly, barely every seeing her and suffering with this constant feeling of loneliness isn't comparable to what it would be like having to live without her completely.
